By Jessica Lau
“My father is angry”; “She has to be right all the time”; “He just explodes at anything and everything” : These statements are often expressed from clients across many different cultures and are deeply heard and felt by myself in therapy.
Just like the young lady in the video, growing up with irritable, angry or even raging parents can leave us “there”— helpless and not knowing what to do!
Some of the common responses I see in adulthood include –
Anxiety
The child us felt really anxious around that parent. It was unpredictable what could trigger the parent’s rage. A big mistake or something as routine as pouring a glass of water could lead to an overreaction, usually an explosive emotional response such as yelling and shouting out loud if not hitting. As adults, one can be stressed and worried about one’s own actions. Narratives like “am I doing the right thing?” “What would people think of me” run in the adults’ mind. We can enter work environment or relationship that we feel unsafe, unpredictable and demanding as if we are addicted to the stress.
Depression
The child us never felt enough for compliments but were always criticised or condemned. It was just sad to be hearing words of shame most of the time. As adults, one can feel ashamed, inadequate and worthless. We question our capabilities a lot.
Anger, frustration and resentment
The child us felt resentful for not being understood. We felt angry for being accused of things that we did not agree.As adults, one can become very defensive to a point that it appears to be aggressive or offensive to people. You snap easily. You pick on clues that people are going to hurt you and you would rather hurt than to be hurt. You yell back. You shout first. You become the person you never want to become.
While we have all the right to be angry, behaviours that hurt other people are never acceptable. Perhaps below all the anger the parent emitted in the family, there are some deep sadness, loneliness and insecurity that never have the opportunity to be embraced and processed. While it can be useful to have some perspective on our parents’ actions, it doesn’t take away the hurt that the child us feels.
Know that you are not alone if you are wounded by irritation, anger and rage. Know that you don’t have to be wounded for any longer. The healing is in you today.
我與暴躁
「他脾氣很大」「她很暴躁」「有佢講冇人講」「他永遠是對的」「她常常生氣」。來自不同文化背景的人常常在輔導中說這些話形容自己其中一位父母。
和一位情緒爆炸的人一同生活，定是件不容易的事。
就好像影片中的女士，我們就「站在那兒」傻笑：無助也不懂反應。或許我們會感到：
1) 焦慮
小時候在他旁邊非常焦慮。不知道什麼又會惹來他發一場很大的脾氣。好像一個小過失或者一些不合他心意的事情也會令他非常生氣。可能是責罵、可能是尖叫，更可能是體罰。
成年人的我們可能會常常感到大壓力、焦慮和擔憂。我們都害怕。可能常常會問自己究竟有沒有做錯事情、別人到底怎麼看我們呢？我們有可能選擇了在一些不安全、沒法預計和要求很高的工作環境或關係。好像我們對於這種焦慮的感覺、這種壓力上了癮一樣。
2) 抑鬱
小時候我們好像從來不足夠令父母讚美，反而常常被罵、被批評。聽到很多侮辱的說話感到非常傷心。
長大後這種羞恥感並沒有消失，我們常常覺得自己不足和對自己的價值與能力有很大的疑問。
3) 生氣和怨恨
小時候我們可能會感到生氣。因為我們沒有覺得被理解。我們怨恨被怪責一些我們不認為應該被怪責的事情。
成年後的我們長滿了刺。有時候我們為了保護自己不小心刺傷別人。我們寧願傷害別人也不願意再受傷害。我們自己的脾氣變大、我們生氣、我們破口大罵。
我們變成了我們最不想變成的人。
每個人都有權利生氣。但傷害到別人、拿別人發洩的行為絕對不能接受。可能在生氣的面具下，有很多的傷心、軟弱、不安和孤獨是父母自己從來沒有機會去處理的。你可以體諒，但不用把一切合理化或當作沒發生過。
如果你覺得自己有傷口，不用再把這傷口延長。
今天開始告訴自己：別人的情緒從來不是你的責任 。
希望你知道，即便你在關係曾經受傷，你也有療癒的能力和權利。願你找到屬於自己的平安。
要安排與輔導心理學家Jessica Lau諮詢，請致電+852 2523 7121或在此處連結。
